We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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