Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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