If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
