thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
