This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
