last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
