i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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