Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
