i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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