Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
