i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
