On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
