LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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