woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Randomize
