I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize