so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
