I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
