He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
