nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
