yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
