My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
