Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
