Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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