my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
