You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
