Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
