Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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