this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize