I wish they made helmets for livers.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
