So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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