I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
