she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
we're making bets on your personal life
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
