Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
