you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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