If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
