No subtext here. People are naked.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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