She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
