I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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