i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
