Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
