I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
