put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Did I show you my penis last night?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Randomize
