Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
