no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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