Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
