Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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