My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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