first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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