I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
