It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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