I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
