I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
People in love make me want to vomit
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
