just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
