my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
