guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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