dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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