There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
how drunk are you?
Several
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
