I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
