I heard we made out
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
