The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize