so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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