I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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