I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
