Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize