So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
