woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
