Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
