woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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