when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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