I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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