last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
