I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
